Regrets

I know this girl, she is the cousin of my ex-husband. I looked through this girl's and my sister's photos on Facebook today. As I did, this nagging in the lower left side of my chest began, just under my heart. I see pictures of them with friends and having experiences in different parts of the country or world. Oh, how I envy them sometimes. Even my brother, who has always been a measure of perfect. They seem to have it all. Looks, healthy relationships, education, and above all- they have done things RIGHT.

I, on the other hand, had to get my high school diploma from a home correspondence program 4 YEARS after I was supposed to graduate. I had my first son at 17 and my second at 18 (I almost made 19, but he didn't want to wait those three extra weeks). I married at 18 and stayed home to take care of our kids, but the relationship was so abusive I had to get out. I went looking for a job and stumbled into one working with the State. I managed to save enough money to get me and my kids out of there- that was at 22. The divorce was finalized by the time I was 24. Things were going good for awhile: I enrolled in college and thought that I had fallen in love again. I moved in with said interest of mine and we had plans to get married. Then, things couldn't have gotten worse and I moved out. Following the typical pattern of the abused (emotionally, not physically- this time), I let him talk me back into moving in. Things were great for about a year. There has been a steady decline in relations between myself and this man. Funny, I don't even call him my boyfriend anymore. So here I am, on disability from being injured by an inmate at the prison, I did graduate with an Associate's in criminal justice (total waste of time), and I am currently working on my Bachelor's in Paralegal studies, I live with someone that I can barely stand and my kids don't like. I have got my self into quite a pickle.

My regrets? Putting my children through garbage while trying to find my way through life and make something respectable out of myself. I wish that I hadn't done the dumb things that I did that caused me to be pulled out of school and be home schooled. I would have loved to enjoyed friends, and proms, and maybe swimming or volleyball. I wish that I had graduated high school with my class and had proud parents to be there watching me get my diploma. I wish I had gone to college right away and graduated before even thinking about starting a family. I wish that I had found the right one to be married to, to have my WONDERFUL boys with, and make a life with. I wish I didn't have to struggle to give my kids what they need and I would love to give them what they want (within reason, of coarse). I feel that, thus far, I have failed them. I know that I have failed myself. But I keep telling myself, "I am working on it, I am going to fix this." However, I am so afraid that I can't. I am even more afraid of my kids thinking their mother is a loser, a disappointment, and a failure. I think that is what keeps me going.

Summer Begins...

Now that the boys are out of school, I have been doing a lot of running around with them. Yesterday, we went to the garage sales nearby us. Although I only found one thing for myself, they managed to find 6-10 things each for themselves. They spent about $7.00. If you have ever been garage saleing, you know that is a lot for just two little boys.

Today, I took them to the Boy Scout store and Target to pick up the things they will be needing for summer camp. A slight error in judgment as my patience was tested on many levels. Usually I go the Scout store by myself unless I need them with me to try something on. Today, I did need them to try in some shorts, however, I did not expect the level of parochial behavior they exhibited. Like typical children, they ran around the store wanting everything in sight, except what we came to get. They even found the free popcorn that the store gives out. I had to tell them numerous times to "come here" and "settle down."

And yet, after their display of juvenile antics, they exhibit some adult characteristics that you have to admire and be proud of- like thinking of their others before themselves, taking on additional responsibilities around the house, etc. They impress me everyday. They have taken the troubles in their little lives in stride and (for the most part) been the bigger men. They are my examples in life, they show me that the world still has innocence in it.

Overall, I am enjoying this extra time that I get to spend with them, for in less than three weeks they will be at camp, then their father's, and finally on vacation with their grandparent's until the end of their summer break. I will miss them more than they could ever know. I feel empty when they aren't around.

Cosmic Joke

The Powers-that-Be decided to open the heavens and dump a foot of the stuff I hate the most on us. As a result, my kids are given 2 snow days and 1 delay...normally I would go out and throw a few snowballs at their heads in an attempt relieve myself of some of the stress they have laid at my feet. They- in turn- would machine-gun me with their white amo. The odds are in their favor 2:1. However, for the last week, I also been blessed with the worst illness I think I have ever had. So, they get to run around outside, while I watch from indoors. They are off of school, I am not. College only lets out when the heavens have imploded upon our dear city.
So far, I sound like a bah-hum-bug pesimistic hag. However, one must understand that for a week my stomach has been warning me about ANYTHING that comes in is hazardous to my health and bottom has been confused as to what function it is supposed to perform.
It amazes me the number of M.D.s there are in the world. I have had many people, helpful they may be, attempt to save me a $15 co-pay by giving me their own diagnosis- ranging from the 24-hour flu to a stomach virus. So far, I am betting I would have had better chances if I just paid the $15.