These Are A Few Of My Favorite Things

I feel that in light of all the thing that have gone on since the end of last year and the beginning of this year, I need to make a list that reflects on the positives in my life...the things that I wake up for everyday.
First and foremost, my favorite people and inspirations: My sons
Favorite food: My grandfather's meatballs (now my dad has taken that role over)
Favorite desert: A toss up between Butter Tarts and Versea's dessert  (old family recipes, as well)
Favorite drink: Vanilla Coke (much to the dismay of my brother and doctor as I am diabetic)
Cook or Bake: I like to bake
Favorite animal: Cats
Favorite activity: Walking
Favorite hobby: Reading
Favorite Genre: a mix of horror and a touch of innocent romance- not the raunchy stuff
Favorite era: the 1950s
Favorite Precious Stone: Emerald
Favorite College: I'm a Bearcat, baby!!
Favorite Musical Group: Paramore
Favorite Song: A Thousand Years by Christina Perry
Favorite Artist: Melissa Faulkner-Vanzant
Favorite Actress: Audrey Hepburn
Favorite Actor: Tom Hanks
What I want in life: To be successful and make my kids proud
What I wish for: Someone to share my life with, a companion. It doesn't have to be a romantic relationship, but I want someone I can trust who will care for me no matter what- good or bad. Friend or significant other, whatever I am blessed  with.
My short term goal: To graduate with my Bachelor's, get a good paying job, and get my own place
My long term goal: To get past my short term goals and then go from there. :)

Ugh!

As my academic career draws to a close, one would think that my problems would begin to dissipate. However, that is not the case. I am currently attempting to get the bureaucracy off its duff to catch up with my dead-beat ex-husband. He had quit his job abruptly to move with his live-in to Georgia. I recently pursued legal actions against my ex-husband that currently have left him with supervised visitation. Apparently, in Ohio, no parent can behave badly enough to warrant the ties that bind being severed- at least temporarily until said parent completes mandated counseling and/or parenting classes. The latter has been left optional for him.
In the mean time, it is my children who suffer the greatest, no longer having medical coverage or child support to help offset some of our living expenses. I don't blame my agency caseworker, she is great- always on top of things. I blame the system that allows this to happen. The system that says that as long as some mediocre payment is made- not the amount that has been order, but an obscure amount, such as $30 or even less- they cannot touch him. He has moved without leaving the enforcement agency and the court a forwarding address AND he failed to update ANY employer information, thus the cutoff in support payments and insurance, Yet, still, nothing is done.

So, for me what I am and have been contemplating this last month or so is not the teachings of Descartes or the lectures of my various subjects in criminal justice that I have heard this week,no, what is bantering back and forth in my mind is how I will keep food on the table and get my kids their prescriptions and doctor's appointments. So much for the system.

Iams Update

In response to the pleadings of the Humane Society of Preble County and the phone calls/emails of those of us concerned about what is going on, the Iams Company has offered to support the shelter TEMPORARILY until they can get through the crisis posed by the corporation. The Humane Society posted today:

“We have just received a call from Iams, and they have offered to ship dog food to our facility to help us through this immediate crisis. We understand this will not be something they can do in the future, but their willingness to help us and to give us time to work this into our budget is simply a wonderful gift. We are especially grateful to Julie from Iams who pulled this together for us. We are also grateful to those of you who have brought dog food to us and who voiced your concern to Iams. Thank you Iams and our community of animal lovers for coming to our aid. Thank you from the board members and staff and from the approximately 110 dogs currently at our facility as they wait for their very own family to come.” http://www.facebook.com/pages/Humane-Society-of-Preble-County/193203296085

While this may seem like a small victory, it is actually just putting a Band-Aid on a fatal wound. As previously posted, the shelter DOES NOT have it in its budget to feed the dogs for the year. Please continue to contact Iams on behalf of the shelter.

Boycott

On Monday, the Humane Society of Preble County, Ohio posted on their Facebook page, the following:

"Can you help our dogs? We are in serious need of Dog Chow. We have just found out today from Iams that they will no longer supply us with food although they have supplied us with food for the last 15-20 years. We currently have over 100 dogs at our facility (and can they eat!). We have no money budgeted for food, because we never had to budget for that! We do not know where we are going to get the money to feed all of our animals- so we are looking for help. Since we have found that Purina Dog Chow (in the green bag- see photo) is good wholesome food we are asking for donations of that type. Thank you. As always we appreciate your generosity."

I then emailed Iams expressing my displeasure with their decision to quit supporting the shelter. Here is their reply:

"Dear Nicole:

Thank you for taking the time to contact Iams. I would be happy to assist you today.

Our company makes frequent and generous donations to support animal shelters, disaster relief organizations and other groups dedicated to dogs and cats in need. We receive many pet food requests annually and would like to donate to each and every one, however, it is not feasibly possible. Each year our company reevaluates our feeding programs and all updates will be posted on our company website at www.iams.com.

Please contact us anytime through our E-mail Us Now page located on our web site at www.IAMS.com. Or, look for instant answers on our web site FAQ. We would also welcome your call Monday through Friday from 9:00 a.m. to 6:00 p.m. Eastern Time at 800-675-3849.

Have a nice day.

Sincerely,

Sandy

Iams Pet Care Team Member"

I am boycotting Iams. I will no longer use their products. It is cold and callous to cut the support of the shelter without warning or merit after helping them for 15+ years. How can a company claim to care for animals and leave more than 100 dogs without food?

Regrets

I know this girl, she is the cousin of my ex-husband. I looked through this girl's and my sister's photos on Facebook today. As I did, this nagging in the lower left side of my chest began, just under my heart. I see pictures of them with friends and having experiences in different parts of the country or world. Oh, how I envy them sometimes. Even my brother, who has always been a measure of perfect. They seem to have it all. Looks, healthy relationships, education, and above all- they have done things RIGHT.

I, on the other hand, had to get my high school diploma from a home correspondence program 4 YEARS after I was supposed to graduate. I had my first son at 17 and my second at 18 (I almost made 19, but he didn't want to wait those three extra weeks). I married at 18 and stayed home to take care of our kids, but the relationship was so abusive I had to get out. I went looking for a job and stumbled into one working with the State. I managed to save enough money to get me and my kids out of there- that was at 22. The divorce was finalized by the time I was 24. Things were going good for awhile: I enrolled in college and thought that I had fallen in love again. I moved in with said interest of mine and we had plans to get married. Then, things couldn't have gotten worse and I moved out. Following the typical pattern of the abused (emotionally, not physically- this time), I let him talk me back into moving in. Things were great for about a year. There has been a steady decline in relations between myself and this man. Funny, I don't even call him my boyfriend anymore. So here I am, on disability from being injured by an inmate at the prison, I did graduate with an Associate's in criminal justice (total waste of time), and I am currently working on my Bachelor's in Paralegal studies, I live with someone that I can barely stand and my kids don't like. I have got my self into quite a pickle.

My regrets? Putting my children through garbage while trying to find my way through life and make something respectable out of myself. I wish that I hadn't done the dumb things that I did that caused me to be pulled out of school and be home schooled. I would have loved to enjoyed friends, and proms, and maybe swimming or volleyball. I wish that I had graduated high school with my class and had proud parents to be there watching me get my diploma. I wish I had gone to college right away and graduated before even thinking about starting a family. I wish that I had found the right one to be married to, to have my WONDERFUL boys with, and make a life with. I wish I didn't have to struggle to give my kids what they need and I would love to give them what they want (within reason, of coarse). I feel that, thus far, I have failed them. I know that I have failed myself. But I keep telling myself, "I am working on it, I am going to fix this." However, I am so afraid that I can't. I am even more afraid of my kids thinking their mother is a loser, a disappointment, and a failure. I think that is what keeps me going.

Summer Update

The summer started off well. The boys went to camp and had a fairly good time. They came home for a night and then were off to their father's for his standard order of visitation summer vacation time. I say it that way because my ex-husband is what I deem to be an "Undesirable." He has severe personal and mental issues. If it weren't for a court order saying I have to turn the kids over to him for visitation, I wouldn't. But, with heaven's grace, that may all change soon. Let me explain.

A week after the boys went to their father's, my boyfriend and I left for Las Vegas. He was taking some much needed vacation time. I am the one who had the responsibility of keeping track of the important stuff, which is why- in my opinion- he asked me to come along. With in three days of being there, I received a call at 3 a.m. Vegas time from my ex's girlfriend. In a rage, he had hit her twice in the face and then tried to run her down in his work truck. She needed to return the boys. Luckily my sister was in town staying at my place, so I told her to drop them off there.

Later that day, my younger son was texting me and talking to my sister. He disclosed to us that while he was arguing with his brother , their father had screamed at them to stop. When they didn't, their father grabbed the youngest up by the collar of his shirt and threw him down on the stairs. He said his back hurt. I asked my sister to check his back, there was a bruise the size of a half dollar and a quarter on his back.

Needless to say, I contacted everyone I could think of: the sheriff's department, children's services, domestic violence groups, and my attorney. I am in the process of trying to reduce his visitation time, at this point, if not get supervised visitation. Now the authorities, they are another story. Children's services said that if the bruise was the size I said it was,then they probably wouldn't pursue it because while it is inappropriate parenting, it isn't significant abuse. I trip for a temporary protection order: the magistrate said there wasn't a significant threat to warrant a TPO. I have requested a hearing that I have to attend this coming week. My response to these people was, "What doe he have to do, put one or both of my kids in the hospital before anyone will do anything?" Our system is f***ed up.

If my action seem extreme, allow me to give you this guy's background. The first time he hit me, I was 4 months pregnant with our second child- but there were signs before that: yelling, degradation, erratic and explosive mood swings. But I was young and "in love." I barf at the thought now. I stayed in the relationship for a total of seven years. There had been threats that if I ever left he would kill me. I left when I found a full time, good paying job that I knew could support me and my kids. The night before I left was the final straw. He had hit me in the face and threw me face down on the bed and tried to smother me. I remember thinking, "My kids are going to find me dead." I obtained a protection order against him after I figured out he was stalking me. I look back now and think how crazy it all was. As the months went on, I began to doubt myself and my ability to take care of us. I was scared that maybe some of what he used to tell me was true. There was one time that I tried to go back. That is when my dad metaphorically knocked me to my senses. I haven't looked back since.

At this point in time, it isn't just me who sees this so-called man for what he is- even his own family thinks he is scum. They don't talk to him, if they have he has conned them out of money and not talked to them since.

He has been arrested for assault on a stranger several reports filed about domestic violence, but no charges filed. He has been investigated for abuse of my kids at least twice. He is a part time or volunteer firefighter, depending on his schedule, but has had to leave at least three departments because they have found out about his actions.

So, I ask- how is this person allowed to be around children, around people as a public servant? I still haven't been able to answer this questions. I hope there is a heaven and a hell, because I am pretty sure he has a one-way ticket to the pit of fire.

Summer Begins...

Now that the boys are out of school, I have been doing a lot of running around with them. Yesterday, we went to the garage sales nearby us. Although I only found one thing for myself, they managed to find 6-10 things each for themselves. They spent about $7.00. If you have ever been garage saleing, you know that is a lot for just two little boys.

Today, I took them to the Boy Scout store and Target to pick up the things they will be needing for summer camp. A slight error in judgment as my patience was tested on many levels. Usually I go the Scout store by myself unless I need them with me to try something on. Today, I did need them to try in some shorts, however, I did not expect the level of parochial behavior they exhibited. Like typical children, they ran around the store wanting everything in sight, except what we came to get. They even found the free popcorn that the store gives out. I had to tell them numerous times to "come here" and "settle down."

And yet, after their display of juvenile antics, they exhibit some adult characteristics that you have to admire and be proud of- like thinking of their others before themselves, taking on additional responsibilities around the house, etc. They impress me everyday. They have taken the troubles in their little lives in stride and (for the most part) been the bigger men. They are my examples in life, they show me that the world still has innocence in it.

Overall, I am enjoying this extra time that I get to spend with them, for in less than three weeks they will be at camp, then their father's, and finally on vacation with their grandparent's until the end of their summer break. I will miss them more than they could ever know. I feel empty when they aren't around.

Did You Ever Think Of This?

I saw my doctor today...I should say one of many doctors that I see. I explained to her that I haven't had a cycle in 5 months, before that it was a year, and that I have hair growing in places that I never dreamed it could grow. She said to me that my testosterone could be up because of my weight and that I need to cut my carbohydrate and overall food intake and get some exercise. Yes, I know I am overweight. However, I lost my period and have been growing hair long before I gained the weight. These things are a symptom of something, not a result. But these know-it-alls don't listen, investigate further, or care.

Isn't it funny that just because you are overweight, people assume that all you do is eat? How about the fact that some people are genetically predispositioned to be heavier? Or how about they just can't be as physically active as they once were due to an injury? Or maybe they have a disorder- such as hypothyroidism? Did you ever think of that? How about you kiss my @$$?

Bitter Sweet

It was announced a couple of weeks ago that my former employer (the Department of Rehabilitation and Correction) was going to close the institution I once worked at. This is bitter sweet...Bitter because my boyfriend still works there, sweet because the premise behind the institution being built was a sham.

Montgomery Education and Pre Release Center (aka M.E.P.R.C.) opened in 1994 and became part of the C.J. McClin Complex. The idea behind MEPRC was to provide a minimum security institution with premium educational programs. It was not and has not been so.

I was employed at the institution in 2003. When I started my short-lived career at the doomed institution, it was approaching it's 10th anniversary. It also had college programs, GED classes, and a couple of vocational programs. It did a lot of community service through the Crayons 2 Computers program, Pilot Dog program, and a few others. Approximately two to three years later, our state was facing cutbacks, as were others. There were rumors that we would close, combine with the prison next door to us, take on female inmates (as we were an all male institution), or double our population. About a year and half after the rumors started, the state began laying off. MEPRC lost a number of administrative personnel, teachers, and some custody staff. We also combined with Dayton Correctional Institution (D.C.I.). With the cutbacks, many college and educational programs went. A lot of the community service programs that we had prided ourselves on were also eliminated. Vocational programs? Nonexistent. Everything was moved to DCI and MEPRC became a warehouse for DCI's undesirables. To top it off, the administrative staff coddled and catered to these inmates- even gave them contraband (anything an inmate is not authorized to have by DRC policy).

By the time DCI took over, MEPRC was out of control and going down hill. I left after I was attacked by an inmate.

Now, the institution will be closing- possibly by next year. All of the custody staff will be moved to DCI for a total of 243 custody staff at an institution of 797 inmates. My prediction is there will be another layoff. Especially with the new governor and budget.

A prison not even 17 years old facing oblivion. It's sad. Sad the way the state misuses the money of its tax payers. It's sad that so many employees are facing uncertainty.

Overall, the fates are righting the wrongs that have been committed. The institution never should have been opened. It was never ran the way it was intended to be ran. It was a money pit, sometimes costing $81.00 per day per inmate to run the place.

That is government for you, though. Goodbye MEPRC.

Happy Birthday To Me...

Yesterday was my birthday...not just any birthday, but my 30th. A milestone in my life as I have feared 30 since I was a child. With 30 comes the transition from young adult to adult. It means giving up the juniors' clothing (not that I can even fit in them anymore) and putting on something more 'age appropriate.' I no longer fit into the MTV scene- not that I would want to considering the caliber of people they consider 'cool.' Is that in and of it's self a sign that I have grown up?

I fear getting old because I am afraid I will no longer be able to relate to my kids thereby becoming that parent that has no clue. I fear getting old because I will be that person trying to act and be young and all the other kids laugh at me. I fear getting old because of the sickness and incapacitation that age leaves in its wake.

While in my twenties I have: divorced, found a new career, gone back to school, partied a little bit, gone out on a few dates, been in a couple of wonderful relationships, watched my babies turn into wonderful older boys, learned some life-lessons, decided to change my direction in life.

You can't stop the clock...no matter how much you want to. A friend of mine told me on Sunday "Your thirties will be the best time of your life." I am going to start this new decade in my life of with that thought in mind.

My Latest Adventure

Six months ago, I had decided to seek a Bachelor's degree in Paralegal Studies at the University of Cincinnati. At first, I was psyched about this endeavor. And I still feel pretty good about it, although I would be lying if I didn't admit to myself and whomever may be reading this that I have had some moments that I have wondered if I was doing the right thing.

We all know that with a higher education comes debt, at least this is the case for me because I am paying for my own education. I managed to get through two Associate degrees without any debt, but that is not the case this time. I have to keep reminding myself that with a better degree, I can gain better employment, and with that- better pay.

Then there is- what I like to call- the "O" factor. 'O' for Old. I am near 30, I must admit. I had been having some issues with the approaching day that I turn the big 3-0, but nothing like now. I am surrounded by young people almost 12 years my junior. That puts things into perspective and is a little intimidating. Not to mention they are all healthy- looking (of which I am not). But I have been able, as time has progressed over my first quarter, to put this out of my mind. Some.

Overall, UC is a beautiful campus. I attend classes there everyday (this quarter, anyway... I have decreased my time there next quarter to decrease my commute so I can spend more time with my family and studying). I enjoy being at campus. The school is always doing something to engage the student body. And the football games- although their season this year hasn't been like last year's- are amazing. The show that the school puts on for the crowd is second to none. So far, this has been the right choice.

A new hike...

My boys just recently joined cub scouts. At the time, I didn't realize it involved so much of MY time. I work, go to school, TRY to maintain a house, and take care of them on my own. While fighting my illness the first time, I think I pushed myself away from my kids. However, because of the obligatory parental involvement I have partaken in, I believe it has brought me closer to my two sons. I say this because today we went on a VERY LONG hike. It was so fun watching the kids walk through the wildlife, their curiosity at the things around them and what made them that way....the way they rough-housed and spent their energy (they are sleeping well now). We finished up the three mile hike and the day with a large icecream cones at locally well know dairy. I think this will be a day they will remember for a long time, I know I will.

In the dark....

It has been many months since my last post. I felt I was entering into a nothingness searching for what, I didn't know. I was plummeting deeper and deeper. until one day I couldn't stand it anymore.
What do I mean by all this? I suffer from bipolar disorder and I have been ashamed of it for the last 14 years+. My head first dive into the depression I have experienced these last months is the most severe I think I could ever imagine. I am speaking about it now because 1) there is such a stigma about the disorder that I feel people need to educate themselves about it before judging others and 2) i know that there are not many people who read this :)
I was diagnosed bipolar at 14...on and off I was treated, whenever I felt depressed and couldn't take it anymore. THIS was different, this time the darkness took me even while I was on my medication, eating right and exercising- doing everything I was supposed to.
This last year I started taking demanding classes at a local community college- and I do mean demanding. My job is also stressful by nature as I work in a prison, but we have started to receive more serious offenders since merging with a larger prison and our staffing and programming has been cut literally by 2/3s. The prison is ripe for hostility and rioting. Yes, I fear for myself and others. To top it off, I found out my eldest son was having suicidal thoughts.
A little background: I do not have much of a support system. My boyfriend is the typical resistant male that doesn't want anything to do with anyone (why am I with him? DK) My ex-husband, well he is the typical ex- the every-other-weekend-dad. His parents are wonderful, though. I can call them for anything, and they try to be there for every reason. We have a geographical problem though- about an hour apart. My family? The majority are spread across the country and none of us get along with the other. I do have a counselor, she is wonderful.
I had no one to turn to that I felt wouldn't judge me for fears, my dark thoughts, my hysterics that I had when left alone. Soon, I couldn't talk to anyone without breaking into tears and i didn't want to get out of bed.
My doctor put me off work and I began and intensive therapy, seeing my counselor 1-2 times a week. Because I filed for temporary disability through my employer, they wanted verification of my debilation, they sent me to their own doctor (he confirmed the diagnosis, duh) and my employer wanted me placed in an Intensive Out-patient Program provided by one of our local hospitals. It is just group therapy. I was an out-patient for a month, attending group therapy sessions 3 times a week.
One week after I graduated from the program I returned to work.
What does graduate mean? I am miraculously healed?- NO.
How do I feel today? I am still very stressed and depressed. I take things a day at a time and I try to emeber some of the tings I was taught in group, like it is okay to say "No." It is a struggle every day. One day I hope to be myself, not my old self, just myself- happy and loving life again.
Here is a website I found useful: NIMH National Institute of Mental Health. Maybe you will, too.

http://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/publications/bipolar-disorder/complete-index.shtml

The Trail

So, obviously, I haven't posted in a while. It is with good reason. I was in the midst of two very demanding classes. Now, I am free of their grips. In a week, I will be in the grasps of three very demanding classes. I keep telling myself this is all a means to an end. To anyone who reads this, I am sorry for neglecting my duties. I will try to keep up at least once a week. Anyway...
My day started out in a fog, this is all thanks to the great meds my doctors (note the plural form) have me on. My days always start this way now. When I got up I did the human necessities. After I left the home front, I decided to prepare for the long anticipated release of Twilight (out in 1 more day)- I went shopping and purchased everything I could get my hands on that was Twilight, but especially Edward Cullen. I can't wait for my copy to arrive in the mail :) I just have to give a plug to Steph and her Twilight series. Yes, I am one of those Twilight people and proud of it. I also purchased several other things, but that is so characteristic of me I don't think I need mention it.
SO, on the news today I heard tomorrow is officially the first day of spring. I canNOT put into words how ecstatic this makes me. I hate the cold. I hate the wet and cold. I hate winter up here. It depresses me more than I already get depressed. Today, with the news that I heard, I felt this little bubble of giddiness in me, just below my rib cage. SO...
I purchased a salad to-go after my shopping spree and went to a local metro park. The building that leads into the main park where the gift shop/learning center is is lined with glass doors/windows. I decided to get out and have a peek at the gift shop. I walked out of the gift shop and looked out of the glass doors and decided to walk the grounds of the park. This is something I have not done in two years. As I walked, I came across the trails I haven't walked in a LONG time. I love trails, I love the woods, I love the thought of getting lost and being alone. I went on the trails, even though the idea of getting lost and being alone in these woods in the middle of a large city is completely a delusion.
I walked and walked. It felt great. So many thoughts and feelings that I have been suppressing or barley dealing with came bubbling to the surface as I tripped (literally) and drugged up the path while listening to my music and thinking and remembering and dealing. I felt a sense of anger, then panic, then despair, longing, and calm come over as I walked over the path. Then, finally, when I reached the end of the trail and had taken a few pictures, I was okay.
I think I will have to do that more often.

Right at the light

I recall as child my mother and father's irritation with my grandparents (who are considerably up there in age) or some elderly driver going 30 MPH in a 45MPH zone.
I recall the old woman who would yell at me and my friends for stealing the oranges out of her tree and the proverbial old man yelling "Stay of my grass!"

I have picked up my parents bad habits. I have no patience with the elderly as they have never had much for me or now my children. There is the old marine down the way who lives to yell at the neighborhood kids, the elderly couple out for a drive when I am in a hurry, and the lonely lady who sat next to me in the waiting room at the doctor's office who just wanted to chat.

This last made me stop...I felt -bad- for her. I know why she wanted to talk, she probably had no one that wanted anything to do with her. Yea, her kids may call to check on her, but what or who did she have at home? So, we had a small conversation- one I enjoyed. She took me to memory lane. I love hearing old stories- truly.

This last week I struggled for a little more patience. My ex-husband's grandfather is 91 yrs old. I had to chuckle when he tried to give my mother-in-law directions back to his and Nana's house after we went out to eat...keep in mind she has been driving to the same house for the last 30+ years to visit them. To his credit, he is not used to being chauffeured and has recently been told to ease up on driving. So, to feel useful or show that he is still has his faculties, he tells mother-in-law "Right at the light."

I laughed inwardly. Why? Because of the fact the she took it like a champ, just nodding, humoring Papa. More out of respect than not, I am sure. She was patient and kind- never sharp or condescending as I have been shown to be.

I learned something yesterday- the elderly are put into a position by us youth who are in a hurry, annoyed and disrespectful in many ways. We do not listen to what they have to say, may it be advice, small talk, or memory lane. They do not like feeling helpless, they weren't before Time decided to play an ugly joke on them as it is on us all. Papa reminded me that he is still very much the man he was of his youth- only a little more frail.

Guess I have been an ass up until yesterday...I will have to fix that.

Cosmic Joke

The Powers-that-Be decided to open the heavens and dump a foot of the stuff I hate the most on us. As a result, my kids are given 2 snow days and 1 delay...normally I would go out and throw a few snowballs at their heads in an attempt relieve myself of some of the stress they have laid at my feet. They- in turn- would machine-gun me with their white amo. The odds are in their favor 2:1. However, for the last week, I also been blessed with the worst illness I think I have ever had. So, they get to run around outside, while I watch from indoors. They are off of school, I am not. College only lets out when the heavens have imploded upon our dear city.
So far, I sound like a bah-hum-bug pesimistic hag. However, one must understand that for a week my stomach has been warning me about ANYTHING that comes in is hazardous to my health and bottom has been confused as to what function it is supposed to perform.
It amazes me the number of M.D.s there are in the world. I have had many people, helpful they may be, attempt to save me a $15 co-pay by giving me their own diagnosis- ranging from the 24-hour flu to a stomach virus. So far, I am betting I would have had better chances if I just paid the $15.

Disillusioned...

As a child I remember the simple pleasures of Saturday mornings, the excitement of birthdays, the familiar comforts of family on holidays, the thrill of my first love, and the stresses of getting my homework done on time. In highschool friends were all around, you called them on the phone or spent the night and talked for hours on end about your parents- who you thought were totally un-cool and you friends thought they ruled, about your lame teacher, about the boy you were crushing on, or the popular girl you who you envied but never would admit to.
I grew up with an unfounded belief that family holidays were a given -that every New Years, Memorial Day,4th of July, Thanksgiving, and Christmas would be spent at my grandparent's home with my aunts, uncles, and cousins; that Saturday mornings were the Myday- sleeping in until 1o or 11, eating CoaCoa Krispies until I was sick, and terrorizing the neighborhood with my friends; that my birthday was actually important which made me important.
As I have aged all of twenty-seven years, I have become aware that Saturday's are just another work day (for me), my birthdays will come and go unnoticed, the comfort of family holidays only exist with my ex-husband's family, no other relationship feels the same as that first one when you were a carefree teenager, and I still have the stresses of turning my homework in on time.
I have become a disillusioned adult...