Regrets

I know this girl, she is the cousin of my ex-husband. I looked through this girl's and my sister's photos on Facebook today. As I did, this nagging in the lower left side of my chest began, just under my heart. I see pictures of them with friends and having experiences in different parts of the country or world. Oh, how I envy them sometimes. Even my brother, who has always been a measure of perfect. They seem to have it all. Looks, healthy relationships, education, and above all- they have done things RIGHT.

I, on the other hand, had to get my high school diploma from a home correspondence program 4 YEARS after I was supposed to graduate. I had my first son at 17 and my second at 18 (I almost made 19, but he didn't want to wait those three extra weeks). I married at 18 and stayed home to take care of our kids, but the relationship was so abusive I had to get out. I went looking for a job and stumbled into one working with the State. I managed to save enough money to get me and my kids out of there- that was at 22. The divorce was finalized by the time I was 24. Things were going good for awhile: I enrolled in college and thought that I had fallen in love again. I moved in with said interest of mine and we had plans to get married. Then, things couldn't have gotten worse and I moved out. Following the typical pattern of the abused (emotionally, not physically- this time), I let him talk me back into moving in. Things were great for about a year. There has been a steady decline in relations between myself and this man. Funny, I don't even call him my boyfriend anymore. So here I am, on disability from being injured by an inmate at the prison, I did graduate with an Associate's in criminal justice (total waste of time), and I am currently working on my Bachelor's in Paralegal studies, I live with someone that I can barely stand and my kids don't like. I have got my self into quite a pickle.

My regrets? Putting my children through garbage while trying to find my way through life and make something respectable out of myself. I wish that I hadn't done the dumb things that I did that caused me to be pulled out of school and be home schooled. I would have loved to enjoyed friends, and proms, and maybe swimming or volleyball. I wish that I had graduated high school with my class and had proud parents to be there watching me get my diploma. I wish I had gone to college right away and graduated before even thinking about starting a family. I wish that I had found the right one to be married to, to have my WONDERFUL boys with, and make a life with. I wish I didn't have to struggle to give my kids what they need and I would love to give them what they want (within reason, of coarse). I feel that, thus far, I have failed them. I know that I have failed myself. But I keep telling myself, "I am working on it, I am going to fix this." However, I am so afraid that I can't. I am even more afraid of my kids thinking their mother is a loser, a disappointment, and a failure. I think that is what keeps me going.

Summer Update

The summer started off well. The boys went to camp and had a fairly good time. They came home for a night and then were off to their father's for his standard order of visitation summer vacation time. I say it that way because my ex-husband is what I deem to be an "Undesirable." He has severe personal and mental issues. If it weren't for a court order saying I have to turn the kids over to him for visitation, I wouldn't. But, with heaven's grace, that may all change soon. Let me explain.

A week after the boys went to their father's, my boyfriend and I left for Las Vegas. He was taking some much needed vacation time. I am the one who had the responsibility of keeping track of the important stuff, which is why- in my opinion- he asked me to come along. With in three days of being there, I received a call at 3 a.m. Vegas time from my ex's girlfriend. In a rage, he had hit her twice in the face and then tried to run her down in his work truck. She needed to return the boys. Luckily my sister was in town staying at my place, so I told her to drop them off there.

Later that day, my younger son was texting me and talking to my sister. He disclosed to us that while he was arguing with his brother , their father had screamed at them to stop. When they didn't, their father grabbed the youngest up by the collar of his shirt and threw him down on the stairs. He said his back hurt. I asked my sister to check his back, there was a bruise the size of a half dollar and a quarter on his back.

Needless to say, I contacted everyone I could think of: the sheriff's department, children's services, domestic violence groups, and my attorney. I am in the process of trying to reduce his visitation time, at this point, if not get supervised visitation. Now the authorities, they are another story. Children's services said that if the bruise was the size I said it was,then they probably wouldn't pursue it because while it is inappropriate parenting, it isn't significant abuse. I trip for a temporary protection order: the magistrate said there wasn't a significant threat to warrant a TPO. I have requested a hearing that I have to attend this coming week. My response to these people was, "What doe he have to do, put one or both of my kids in the hospital before anyone will do anything?" Our system is f***ed up.

If my action seem extreme, allow me to give you this guy's background. The first time he hit me, I was 4 months pregnant with our second child- but there were signs before that: yelling, degradation, erratic and explosive mood swings. But I was young and "in love." I barf at the thought now. I stayed in the relationship for a total of seven years. There had been threats that if I ever left he would kill me. I left when I found a full time, good paying job that I knew could support me and my kids. The night before I left was the final straw. He had hit me in the face and threw me face down on the bed and tried to smother me. I remember thinking, "My kids are going to find me dead." I obtained a protection order against him after I figured out he was stalking me. I look back now and think how crazy it all was. As the months went on, I began to doubt myself and my ability to take care of us. I was scared that maybe some of what he used to tell me was true. There was one time that I tried to go back. That is when my dad metaphorically knocked me to my senses. I haven't looked back since.

At this point in time, it isn't just me who sees this so-called man for what he is- even his own family thinks he is scum. They don't talk to him, if they have he has conned them out of money and not talked to them since.

He has been arrested for assault on a stranger several reports filed about domestic violence, but no charges filed. He has been investigated for abuse of my kids at least twice. He is a part time or volunteer firefighter, depending on his schedule, but has had to leave at least three departments because they have found out about his actions.

So, I ask- how is this person allowed to be around children, around people as a public servant? I still haven't been able to answer this questions. I hope there is a heaven and a hell, because I am pretty sure he has a one-way ticket to the pit of fire.