A new hike...

My boys just recently joined cub scouts. At the time, I didn't realize it involved so much of MY time. I work, go to school, TRY to maintain a house, and take care of them on my own. While fighting my illness the first time, I think I pushed myself away from my kids. However, because of the obligatory parental involvement I have partaken in, I believe it has brought me closer to my two sons. I say this because today we went on a VERY LONG hike. It was so fun watching the kids walk through the wildlife, their curiosity at the things around them and what made them that way....the way they rough-housed and spent their energy (they are sleeping well now). We finished up the three mile hike and the day with a large icecream cones at locally well know dairy. I think this will be a day they will remember for a long time, I know I will.

In the dark....

It has been many months since my last post. I felt I was entering into a nothingness searching for what, I didn't know. I was plummeting deeper and deeper. until one day I couldn't stand it anymore.
What do I mean by all this? I suffer from bipolar disorder and I have been ashamed of it for the last 14 years+. My head first dive into the depression I have experienced these last months is the most severe I think I could ever imagine. I am speaking about it now because 1) there is such a stigma about the disorder that I feel people need to educate themselves about it before judging others and 2) i know that there are not many people who read this :)
I was diagnosed bipolar at 14...on and off I was treated, whenever I felt depressed and couldn't take it anymore. THIS was different, this time the darkness took me even while I was on my medication, eating right and exercising- doing everything I was supposed to.
This last year I started taking demanding classes at a local community college- and I do mean demanding. My job is also stressful by nature as I work in a prison, but we have started to receive more serious offenders since merging with a larger prison and our staffing and programming has been cut literally by 2/3s. The prison is ripe for hostility and rioting. Yes, I fear for myself and others. To top it off, I found out my eldest son was having suicidal thoughts.
A little background: I do not have much of a support system. My boyfriend is the typical resistant male that doesn't want anything to do with anyone (why am I with him? DK) My ex-husband, well he is the typical ex- the every-other-weekend-dad. His parents are wonderful, though. I can call them for anything, and they try to be there for every reason. We have a geographical problem though- about an hour apart. My family? The majority are spread across the country and none of us get along with the other. I do have a counselor, she is wonderful.
I had no one to turn to that I felt wouldn't judge me for fears, my dark thoughts, my hysterics that I had when left alone. Soon, I couldn't talk to anyone without breaking into tears and i didn't want to get out of bed.
My doctor put me off work and I began and intensive therapy, seeing my counselor 1-2 times a week. Because I filed for temporary disability through my employer, they wanted verification of my debilation, they sent me to their own doctor (he confirmed the diagnosis, duh) and my employer wanted me placed in an Intensive Out-patient Program provided by one of our local hospitals. It is just group therapy. I was an out-patient for a month, attending group therapy sessions 3 times a week.
One week after I graduated from the program I returned to work.
What does graduate mean? I am miraculously healed?- NO.
How do I feel today? I am still very stressed and depressed. I take things a day at a time and I try to emeber some of the tings I was taught in group, like it is okay to say "No." It is a struggle every day. One day I hope to be myself, not my old self, just myself- happy and loving life again.
Here is a website I found useful: NIMH National Institute of Mental Health. Maybe you will, too.

http://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/publications/bipolar-disorder/complete-index.shtml

The Trail

So, obviously, I haven't posted in a while. It is with good reason. I was in the midst of two very demanding classes. Now, I am free of their grips. In a week, I will be in the grasps of three very demanding classes. I keep telling myself this is all a means to an end. To anyone who reads this, I am sorry for neglecting my duties. I will try to keep up at least once a week. Anyway...
My day started out in a fog, this is all thanks to the great meds my doctors (note the plural form) have me on. My days always start this way now. When I got up I did the human necessities. After I left the home front, I decided to prepare for the long anticipated release of Twilight (out in 1 more day)- I went shopping and purchased everything I could get my hands on that was Twilight, but especially Edward Cullen. I can't wait for my copy to arrive in the mail :) I just have to give a plug to Steph and her Twilight series. Yes, I am one of those Twilight people and proud of it. I also purchased several other things, but that is so characteristic of me I don't think I need mention it.
SO, on the news today I heard tomorrow is officially the first day of spring. I canNOT put into words how ecstatic this makes me. I hate the cold. I hate the wet and cold. I hate winter up here. It depresses me more than I already get depressed. Today, with the news that I heard, I felt this little bubble of giddiness in me, just below my rib cage. SO...
I purchased a salad to-go after my shopping spree and went to a local metro park. The building that leads into the main park where the gift shop/learning center is is lined with glass doors/windows. I decided to get out and have a peek at the gift shop. I walked out of the gift shop and looked out of the glass doors and decided to walk the grounds of the park. This is something I have not done in two years. As I walked, I came across the trails I haven't walked in a LONG time. I love trails, I love the woods, I love the thought of getting lost and being alone. I went on the trails, even though the idea of getting lost and being alone in these woods in the middle of a large city is completely a delusion.
I walked and walked. It felt great. So many thoughts and feelings that I have been suppressing or barley dealing with came bubbling to the surface as I tripped (literally) and drugged up the path while listening to my music and thinking and remembering and dealing. I felt a sense of anger, then panic, then despair, longing, and calm come over as I walked over the path. Then, finally, when I reached the end of the trail and had taken a few pictures, I was okay.
I think I will have to do that more often.

Right at the light

I recall as child my mother and father's irritation with my grandparents (who are considerably up there in age) or some elderly driver going 30 MPH in a 45MPH zone.
I recall the old woman who would yell at me and my friends for stealing the oranges out of her tree and the proverbial old man yelling "Stay of my grass!"

I have picked up my parents bad habits. I have no patience with the elderly as they have never had much for me or now my children. There is the old marine down the way who lives to yell at the neighborhood kids, the elderly couple out for a drive when I am in a hurry, and the lonely lady who sat next to me in the waiting room at the doctor's office who just wanted to chat.

This last made me stop...I felt -bad- for her. I know why she wanted to talk, she probably had no one that wanted anything to do with her. Yea, her kids may call to check on her, but what or who did she have at home? So, we had a small conversation- one I enjoyed. She took me to memory lane. I love hearing old stories- truly.

This last week I struggled for a little more patience. My ex-husband's grandfather is 91 yrs old. I had to chuckle when he tried to give my mother-in-law directions back to his and Nana's house after we went out to eat...keep in mind she has been driving to the same house for the last 30+ years to visit them. To his credit, he is not used to being chauffeured and has recently been told to ease up on driving. So, to feel useful or show that he is still has his faculties, he tells mother-in-law "Right at the light."

I laughed inwardly. Why? Because of the fact the she took it like a champ, just nodding, humoring Papa. More out of respect than not, I am sure. She was patient and kind- never sharp or condescending as I have been shown to be.

I learned something yesterday- the elderly are put into a position by us youth who are in a hurry, annoyed and disrespectful in many ways. We do not listen to what they have to say, may it be advice, small talk, or memory lane. They do not like feeling helpless, they weren't before Time decided to play an ugly joke on them as it is on us all. Papa reminded me that he is still very much the man he was of his youth- only a little more frail.

Guess I have been an ass up until yesterday...I will have to fix that.

Cosmic Joke

The Powers-that-Be decided to open the heavens and dump a foot of the stuff I hate the most on us. As a result, my kids are given 2 snow days and 1 delay...normally I would go out and throw a few snowballs at their heads in an attempt relieve myself of some of the stress they have laid at my feet. They- in turn- would machine-gun me with their white amo. The odds are in their favor 2:1. However, for the last week, I also been blessed with the worst illness I think I have ever had. So, they get to run around outside, while I watch from indoors. They are off of school, I am not. College only lets out when the heavens have imploded upon our dear city.
So far, I sound like a bah-hum-bug pesimistic hag. However, one must understand that for a week my stomach has been warning me about ANYTHING that comes in is hazardous to my health and bottom has been confused as to what function it is supposed to perform.
It amazes me the number of M.D.s there are in the world. I have had many people, helpful they may be, attempt to save me a $15 co-pay by giving me their own diagnosis- ranging from the 24-hour flu to a stomach virus. So far, I am betting I would have had better chances if I just paid the $15.

Disillusioned...

As a child I remember the simple pleasures of Saturday mornings, the excitement of birthdays, the familiar comforts of family on holidays, the thrill of my first love, and the stresses of getting my homework done on time. In highschool friends were all around, you called them on the phone or spent the night and talked for hours on end about your parents- who you thought were totally un-cool and you friends thought they ruled, about your lame teacher, about the boy you were crushing on, or the popular girl you who you envied but never would admit to.
I grew up with an unfounded belief that family holidays were a given -that every New Years, Memorial Day,4th of July, Thanksgiving, and Christmas would be spent at my grandparent's home with my aunts, uncles, and cousins; that Saturday mornings were the Myday- sleeping in until 1o or 11, eating CoaCoa Krispies until I was sick, and terrorizing the neighborhood with my friends; that my birthday was actually important which made me important.
As I have aged all of twenty-seven years, I have become aware that Saturday's are just another work day (for me), my birthdays will come and go unnoticed, the comfort of family holidays only exist with my ex-husband's family, no other relationship feels the same as that first one when you were a carefree teenager, and I still have the stresses of turning my homework in on time.
I have become a disillusioned adult...