Did You Ever Think Of This?

I saw my doctor today...I should say one of many doctors that I see. I explained to her that I haven't had a cycle in 5 months, before that it was a year, and that I have hair growing in places that I never dreamed it could grow. She said to me that my testosterone could be up because of my weight and that I need to cut my carbohydrate and overall food intake and get some exercise. Yes, I know I am overweight. However, I lost my period and have been growing hair long before I gained the weight. These things are a symptom of something, not a result. But these know-it-alls don't listen, investigate further, or care.

Isn't it funny that just because you are overweight, people assume that all you do is eat? How about the fact that some people are genetically predispositioned to be heavier? Or how about they just can't be as physically active as they once were due to an injury? Or maybe they have a disorder- such as hypothyroidism? Did you ever think of that? How about you kiss my @$$?

Bitter Sweet

It was announced a couple of weeks ago that my former employer (the Department of Rehabilitation and Correction) was going to close the institution I once worked at. This is bitter sweet...Bitter because my boyfriend still works there, sweet because the premise behind the institution being built was a sham.

Montgomery Education and Pre Release Center (aka M.E.P.R.C.) opened in 1994 and became part of the C.J. McClin Complex. The idea behind MEPRC was to provide a minimum security institution with premium educational programs. It was not and has not been so.

I was employed at the institution in 2003. When I started my short-lived career at the doomed institution, it was approaching it's 10th anniversary. It also had college programs, GED classes, and a couple of vocational programs. It did a lot of community service through the Crayons 2 Computers program, Pilot Dog program, and a few others. Approximately two to three years later, our state was facing cutbacks, as were others. There were rumors that we would close, combine with the prison next door to us, take on female inmates (as we were an all male institution), or double our population. About a year and half after the rumors started, the state began laying off. MEPRC lost a number of administrative personnel, teachers, and some custody staff. We also combined with Dayton Correctional Institution (D.C.I.). With the cutbacks, many college and educational programs went. A lot of the community service programs that we had prided ourselves on were also eliminated. Vocational programs? Nonexistent. Everything was moved to DCI and MEPRC became a warehouse for DCI's undesirables. To top it off, the administrative staff coddled and catered to these inmates- even gave them contraband (anything an inmate is not authorized to have by DRC policy).

By the time DCI took over, MEPRC was out of control and going down hill. I left after I was attacked by an inmate.

Now, the institution will be closing- possibly by next year. All of the custody staff will be moved to DCI for a total of 243 custody staff at an institution of 797 inmates. My prediction is there will be another layoff. Especially with the new governor and budget.

A prison not even 17 years old facing oblivion. It's sad. Sad the way the state misuses the money of its tax payers. It's sad that so many employees are facing uncertainty.

Overall, the fates are righting the wrongs that have been committed. The institution never should have been opened. It was never ran the way it was intended to be ran. It was a money pit, sometimes costing $81.00 per day per inmate to run the place.

That is government for you, though. Goodbye MEPRC.

Happy Birthday To Me...

Yesterday was my birthday...not just any birthday, but my 30th. A milestone in my life as I have feared 30 since I was a child. With 30 comes the transition from young adult to adult. It means giving up the juniors' clothing (not that I can even fit in them anymore) and putting on something more 'age appropriate.' I no longer fit into the MTV scene- not that I would want to considering the caliber of people they consider 'cool.' Is that in and of it's self a sign that I have grown up?

I fear getting old because I am afraid I will no longer be able to relate to my kids thereby becoming that parent that has no clue. I fear getting old because I will be that person trying to act and be young and all the other kids laugh at me. I fear getting old because of the sickness and incapacitation that age leaves in its wake.

While in my twenties I have: divorced, found a new career, gone back to school, partied a little bit, gone out on a few dates, been in a couple of wonderful relationships, watched my babies turn into wonderful older boys, learned some life-lessons, decided to change my direction in life.

You can't stop the clock...no matter how much you want to. A friend of mine told me on Sunday "Your thirties will be the best time of your life." I am going to start this new decade in my life of with that thought in mind.

My Latest Adventure

Six months ago, I had decided to seek a Bachelor's degree in Paralegal Studies at the University of Cincinnati. At first, I was psyched about this endeavor. And I still feel pretty good about it, although I would be lying if I didn't admit to myself and whomever may be reading this that I have had some moments that I have wondered if I was doing the right thing.

We all know that with a higher education comes debt, at least this is the case for me because I am paying for my own education. I managed to get through two Associate degrees without any debt, but that is not the case this time. I have to keep reminding myself that with a better degree, I can gain better employment, and with that- better pay.

Then there is- what I like to call- the "O" factor. 'O' for Old. I am near 30, I must admit. I had been having some issues with the approaching day that I turn the big 3-0, but nothing like now. I am surrounded by young people almost 12 years my junior. That puts things into perspective and is a little intimidating. Not to mention they are all healthy- looking (of which I am not). But I have been able, as time has progressed over my first quarter, to put this out of my mind. Some.

Overall, UC is a beautiful campus. I attend classes there everyday (this quarter, anyway... I have decreased my time there next quarter to decrease my commute so I can spend more time with my family and studying). I enjoy being at campus. The school is always doing something to engage the student body. And the football games- although their season this year hasn't been like last year's- are amazing. The show that the school puts on for the crowd is second to none. So far, this has been the right choice.

A new hike...

My boys just recently joined cub scouts. At the time, I didn't realize it involved so much of MY time. I work, go to school, TRY to maintain a house, and take care of them on my own. While fighting my illness the first time, I think I pushed myself away from my kids. However, because of the obligatory parental involvement I have partaken in, I believe it has brought me closer to my two sons. I say this because today we went on a VERY LONG hike. It was so fun watching the kids walk through the wildlife, their curiosity at the things around them and what made them that way....the way they rough-housed and spent their energy (they are sleeping well now). We finished up the three mile hike and the day with a large icecream cones at locally well know dairy. I think this will be a day they will remember for a long time, I know I will.

In the dark....

It has been many months since my last post. I felt I was entering into a nothingness searching for what, I didn't know. I was plummeting deeper and deeper. until one day I couldn't stand it anymore.
What do I mean by all this? I suffer from bipolar disorder and I have been ashamed of it for the last 14 years+. My head first dive into the depression I have experienced these last months is the most severe I think I could ever imagine. I am speaking about it now because 1) there is such a stigma about the disorder that I feel people need to educate themselves about it before judging others and 2) i know that there are not many people who read this :)
I was diagnosed bipolar at 14...on and off I was treated, whenever I felt depressed and couldn't take it anymore. THIS was different, this time the darkness took me even while I was on my medication, eating right and exercising- doing everything I was supposed to.
This last year I started taking demanding classes at a local community college- and I do mean demanding. My job is also stressful by nature as I work in a prison, but we have started to receive more serious offenders since merging with a larger prison and our staffing and programming has been cut literally by 2/3s. The prison is ripe for hostility and rioting. Yes, I fear for myself and others. To top it off, I found out my eldest son was having suicidal thoughts.
A little background: I do not have much of a support system. My boyfriend is the typical resistant male that doesn't want anything to do with anyone (why am I with him? DK) My ex-husband, well he is the typical ex- the every-other-weekend-dad. His parents are wonderful, though. I can call them for anything, and they try to be there for every reason. We have a geographical problem though- about an hour apart. My family? The majority are spread across the country and none of us get along with the other. I do have a counselor, she is wonderful.
I had no one to turn to that I felt wouldn't judge me for fears, my dark thoughts, my hysterics that I had when left alone. Soon, I couldn't talk to anyone without breaking into tears and i didn't want to get out of bed.
My doctor put me off work and I began and intensive therapy, seeing my counselor 1-2 times a week. Because I filed for temporary disability through my employer, they wanted verification of my debilation, they sent me to their own doctor (he confirmed the diagnosis, duh) and my employer wanted me placed in an Intensive Out-patient Program provided by one of our local hospitals. It is just group therapy. I was an out-patient for a month, attending group therapy sessions 3 times a week.
One week after I graduated from the program I returned to work.
What does graduate mean? I am miraculously healed?- NO.
How do I feel today? I am still very stressed and depressed. I take things a day at a time and I try to emeber some of the tings I was taught in group, like it is okay to say "No." It is a struggle every day. One day I hope to be myself, not my old self, just myself- happy and loving life again.
Here is a website I found useful: NIMH National Institute of Mental Health. Maybe you will, too.

http://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/publications/bipolar-disorder/complete-index.shtml

The Trail

So, obviously, I haven't posted in a while. It is with good reason. I was in the midst of two very demanding classes. Now, I am free of their grips. In a week, I will be in the grasps of three very demanding classes. I keep telling myself this is all a means to an end. To anyone who reads this, I am sorry for neglecting my duties. I will try to keep up at least once a week. Anyway...
My day started out in a fog, this is all thanks to the great meds my doctors (note the plural form) have me on. My days always start this way now. When I got up I did the human necessities. After I left the home front, I decided to prepare for the long anticipated release of Twilight (out in 1 more day)- I went shopping and purchased everything I could get my hands on that was Twilight, but especially Edward Cullen. I can't wait for my copy to arrive in the mail :) I just have to give a plug to Steph and her Twilight series. Yes, I am one of those Twilight people and proud of it. I also purchased several other things, but that is so characteristic of me I don't think I need mention it.
SO, on the news today I heard tomorrow is officially the first day of spring. I canNOT put into words how ecstatic this makes me. I hate the cold. I hate the wet and cold. I hate winter up here. It depresses me more than I already get depressed. Today, with the news that I heard, I felt this little bubble of giddiness in me, just below my rib cage. SO...
I purchased a salad to-go after my shopping spree and went to a local metro park. The building that leads into the main park where the gift shop/learning center is is lined with glass doors/windows. I decided to get out and have a peek at the gift shop. I walked out of the gift shop and looked out of the glass doors and decided to walk the grounds of the park. This is something I have not done in two years. As I walked, I came across the trails I haven't walked in a LONG time. I love trails, I love the woods, I love the thought of getting lost and being alone. I went on the trails, even though the idea of getting lost and being alone in these woods in the middle of a large city is completely a delusion.
I walked and walked. It felt great. So many thoughts and feelings that I have been suppressing or barley dealing with came bubbling to the surface as I tripped (literally) and drugged up the path while listening to my music and thinking and remembering and dealing. I felt a sense of anger, then panic, then despair, longing, and calm come over as I walked over the path. Then, finally, when I reached the end of the trail and had taken a few pictures, I was okay.
I think I will have to do that more often.