It has been many months since my last post. I felt I was entering into a nothingness searching for what, I didn't know. I was plummeting deeper and deeper. until one day I couldn't stand it anymore.
What do I mean by all this? I suffer from bipolar disorder and I have been ashamed of it for the last 14 years+. My head first dive into the depression I have experienced these last months is the most severe I think I could ever imagine. I am speaking about it now because 1) there is such a stigma about the disorder that I feel people need to educate themselves about it before judging others and 2) i know that there are not many people who read this :)
I was diagnosed bipolar at 14...on and off I was treated, whenever I felt depressed and couldn't take it anymore. THIS was different, this time the darkness took me even while I was on my medication, eating right and exercising- doing everything I was supposed to.
This last year I started taking demanding classes at a local community college- and I do mean demanding. My job is also stressful by nature as I work in a prison, but we have started to receive more serious offenders since merging with a larger prison and our staffing and programming has been cut literally by 2/3s. The prison is ripe for hostility and rioting. Yes, I fear for myself and others. To top it off, I found out my eldest son was having suicidal thoughts.
A little background: I do not have much of a support system. My boyfriend is the typical resistant male that doesn't want anything to do with anyone (why am I with him? DK) My ex-husband, well he is the typical ex- the every-other-weekend-dad. His parents are wonderful, though. I can call them for anything, and they try to be there for every reason. We have a geographical problem though- about an hour apart. My family? The majority are spread across the country and none of us get along with the other. I do have a counselor, she is wonderful.
I had no one to turn to that I felt wouldn't judge me for fears, my dark thoughts, my hysterics that I had when left alone. Soon, I couldn't talk to anyone without breaking into tears and i didn't want to get out of bed.
My doctor put me off work and I began and intensive therapy, seeing my counselor 1-2 times a week. Because I filed for temporary disability through my employer, they wanted verification of my debilation, they sent me to their own doctor (he confirmed the diagnosis, duh) and my employer wanted me placed in an Intensive Out-patient Program provided by one of our local hospitals. It is just group therapy. I was an out-patient for a month, attending group therapy sessions 3 times a week.
One week after I graduated from the program I returned to work.
What does graduate mean? I am miraculously healed?- NO.
How do I feel today? I am still very stressed and depressed. I take things a day at a time and I try to emeber some of the tings I was taught in group, like it is okay to say "No." It is a struggle every day. One day I hope to be myself, not my old self, just myself- happy and loving life again.
Here is a website I found useful: NIMH National Institute of Mental Health. Maybe you will, too.
http://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/publications/bipolar-disorder/complete-index.shtml
